I just made the appointment for a CT/PET scan. It’s been almost a year. mid May 2014 is when I finished radiation, mid February was when I stopped chemotherapy. This week was a bit of an upset in small ways. I had realized that three times now I’ve started working out. Which is amazing. I feel good enough to work out! But every time I’d get a week or two into working out, and then I’d get sick. A small cold, nothing big, but enough to knock me out of working out.
At acupuncture this week I was sniveling about this to Michael. I felt depressed, like I was walking through quicksand. I described what was going on for me and asked “What is happening for me?” He said, “welll…It turns out immune function is related to vitality”. He puts his hands out like a scale…”When your white blood cell count is low,” his left hand dropped a bit, ” like yours and you…. let’s just be gross about it, you up your cortisol by working out”, his right hand raises to his chin, and his left falls to mid thigh, ” that suppresses the immune system. This then causes you to feel sick and fatigued, so that your body doesn’t feel good to your consciousness. So then you disassociate, or fragment, which doesn’t really feel safe so you feel anxiety and depression.” (for a short and insightful article about this click here.)
I burst into tears in that moment, because he was right. I had been experiencing anxiety, but didn’t understand why. I have been feeling the need to avoid people on the way to school, not wanting to talk to other parents at school. And watching my mind go over the interactions again and again, pointing out the awkwardness. Also I’ve just recently got progressive glasses, which when I wear them outside of the house, cause everything to be too bright, too magnified, and THAT causes a feeling of anxiety. UGH. This ability I have, to grok things on the psychic airwaves, to be sensitive to people’s energies and my environment, is partially linked to my ability to dissociate. I’ve always been day dreamy as a child, and had a hard time being present, turns out that the dark side of those traits would be ignoring my body and needs. Not needing to eat well, being able to push myself beyond what is healthy for me, not sleeping enough, etc. I had a good 10-15 year period where that’s how I lived. I had this idea that I was super tough, able to do without what a lot a people needed. I thought I had a cast iron stomach, was a daring person and I partied all the time.
Super great setup for many things. Got a lot of good out of it, but I’m pretty sure that was what lead my body to a cortisol depletion and a complete crash, and then cancer. I’m not saying it definitely did, or that it will for you. Please take what I’m saying and put a filter between my words and you if it triggers you. But for me, I feel the pathway is clear. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you know I’ve been working on what people call “embodiment” for sometime. I believe that being present in your body, taking time to slow down, cultivating your energy by eating well, sleeping well, doing things that feel good for you; I believe by doing that you increase your consciousness. That I believe is our mission on earth, to bring consciousness (spirit, light, god) into matter. To merge heaven and earth. So this is another reason why I burst into tears when Michael pointed out so clearly what was happening to me. Because I am attentive to these things. Because I am trying, and I’m finding it frustrating, because on the one hand I want to DO THINGS!! dammit! I want to sing, I want to bring my art out more, I want to write a book and help others meld their spiritual lives with healing cancer, I want to see more of my world, work out, be strong….AAAANNNDDDD my body wants me still to be gentle and slow down.
The other night I looked at my husband and expressing all of the above to him, I finished by saying “I thought I would be further than this at a year out from treatment.” He just looked at me and said “Well it’s better than being dead. So take another year if you need to. What the hell else are you going to do?” I argued with him a bit, gave him the list of things I wanted to do, but I was overwhelmed. My heart just filled to bursting looking at him, and tears welled up in my eyes. He was totally right AND his expression felt like unconditional love. Like I was intrinsically valuable for being myself, not because of anything I did.
Which is an insight for another post I suppose.
Here’s to being right where you are! Not where you think you should be, not your ideal that lives in the future pulling you to grow and change. That you is wonderful and you need it to keep growing. but also you need to be with you as you are. Loving you in the moment. Being with THAT