Yesterday my dear friend Laura of September Days took my portrait. We had been talking about doing this for a bit. But as the moment has come up I’ve avoided it. Yesterday I finally was able to verbalize what was there for me. I’ve seen beautiful moving heart wrenching portraits of people being challenged in life. People in situations you just can’t imagine, and yet the photographer captures the beauty on a soul level and transmits it somehow through the image. Yet being the subject of an image like that? I didn’t want to bear my soul to that, because even speaking about cancer seems like I could bring it on or somehow make it worse.
I knew I may never look at those photos again. Like somehow to talk about it makes it come alive more…as if by acknowledging I have it makes sure I won’t get rid of the malfunction in my body.
I think of my doctor. I picture that many must be so thankful for what he’s doing for them. “saving” them. Yet all I can muster is anger and a piercing sorrow toward the whole process. Perhaps that’s just my basic underlying emotion, anger. I know other people have said I can be an angry person when threatened. I feel so much frustration about this whole treatment process, like REALLY this is the BEST we can do?? We are so like this as human beings, we think to heal something by killing it first. I know there are situations where you have to do something drastic to save the person, go through hell to get to health. Like imagine having to amputate your hand while living in the 1700’s or having teeth extracted prior to pain killers?
I mean just imagine that for a moment?? I know how many people these days have a dentist phobia.
There is something so foul about this whole process and I’m sorry to every single friend in my life who just wants me to get better, who just wants me to do exactly what the doctor says. I’m sorry for all of you, because I know how difficult it must be to want me to be healthy and yet feel I’m not doing what needs to be done. I know you all love me. That’s what’s at the root of it. And I love you too.
But I’m going to do what I feel is right, along the way. Sometimes that means I have to sit in “I’m not doing anymore” and then change my mind because what I see with clarity says, Ok go forward a bit more. If I struggle because I don’t have clarity, then I struggle till I GET CLARITY. That’s it. And when the moment of peace and insight comes then I will go forward and not before. And when the moment comes that I need to stop, because I feel it’s right I will stop. WHY? Because following what feels right and what my heart says is the most important guiding principal in my life.
Not to ignore the outside input. Not to blindly disregard the research and the statistics and the needs of others. But to review, include, and peruse ALL sources that I can and then after that reflection follow my instincts and feelings. I’ve carefully considered each step of the way. I will continue to do that as I look forward to the next treatment time, which is on deck for next week.
If I reach that clarity, one way or the other I will rest assured in that. Because that is how I want to guide the rest of my life, which will be long.
Which will take me to seeing my daughter sparkle and rise through to adulthood and my son blossom and grow into a young man.
Which will take me to being even more gray haired and enjoying the love that I share with my husband.
Bless each and every one of you, thank you for reading as I process this journey